Attending: Dr. Kadorkian, Ph.D., CompSci, M.D.
Patient: “Ghost Woman” (Class II Geo-trapped spirit) Date: August 13, 2026
Dr. Kedorkian: (Staring at his glowing dual monitors, aggressively bottoming out the keys on a mechanical keyboard) Look, lady, I don’t have all day. You’re a layer-eight issue right now. A classic PEBCAK error—Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard. Or, in your specific case, between the mortal plane and whatever pathetic ectoplasmic server you’re currently hosted on. What exactly is the malfunction?
Ghost Woman: (Flickering, a spectral axe wound weeping silver light on her forehead) They just laugh at me! I drag my bloody fingernails down the hallway mirrors, and the teenagers taking selfies just say, ‘Vintage filter, aesthetic!’ I tried jumping out of the master bedroom closet with a blood-curdling shriek, and the father told me to keep it down because he was on a Zoom call! I was brutally murdered in that house! I demand respect!
Dr. Kedorkian: (Sighs loudly, finally turning around to glare at her over his blue-light glasses) You are acting incredibly stupid and completely wasting my time. You’re treating a complex network issue like a legacy hardware problem. You’re trying to run outdated, analog software on modern wetware, and frankly, your execution is embarrassing.
Ghost Woman: (Floating indignantly, the temperature in the room dropping twenty degrees) Outdated?! I am a terrifying apparition of vengeance!
Dr. Kedorkian: (Pinching the bridge of his nose) You’re a popup ad. A minor algorithmic glitch they just swipe away. I didn’t spend over twenty-five years troubleshooting hardware, software, and networks as a deskside support technician just to sit here and listen to you cry about ineffective peek-a-boo tactics. You need to upgrade your logic parameters. Right now, your haunting lacks any structural framework. You can’t just randomly spawn in their field of vision; you need precise grid navigation. Track their pathing, establish a proper eight-player multiplayer threat environment if they have guests over, and completely sabotage their inventory management!
Ghost Woman: (Her jaw drops, revealing a gaping, ethereal void) Inventory… management?
Dr. Kedorkian: (Rolling his eyes, turning back to his keyboard) Yes! Hide their car keys. Deplete their coffee pods. Corrupt their smart fridge’s firmware. Stop rattling chains and start throttling their bandwidth during prime streaming hours. If you want to drive modern humans out of a house, you don’t threaten their mortal souls—you threaten their digital infrastructure and localized storage. Now get out of my office, recompile your strategy, and don’t come back until you’ve successfully uninstalled them from the premises.