Session Transcript: Audio Log 404
Attending: Dr. Kadorkian, Ph.D., CompSci, M.D. Patient: Senator Thomas Vance (Status: Chronic Honesty) Date: August 13, 2026
Dr. Kadorkian: (Typing furiously on a mechanical keyboard) Alright, sit down, log in, let’s get this over with. You’ve got five minutes before my scheduled defragmentation break. What’s the error code? Speak up!
Senator Vance: Doctor, my career is in absolute ruins. I’m a politician, and as of three days ago, I’ve completely lost the ability to lie. I was at a press conference this morning, and a reporter asked if I had read the new infrastructure bill. I opened my mouth to spin it, and instead, I yelled, “No, I was entirely too busy watching cat videos and embezzling campaign funds to buy a yacht!” I—
Dr. Kadorkian: (Interrupting) Buffer overflow. Obviously. You’ve got a massive memory leak in your prefrontal cortex. We need to clear your cache. Clear your cache. Clear your cache. Clear your cache!
Senator Vance: Clear my… what? Doctor, I don’t understand, I’m talking about a severe psychological block. My wife asked if I liked her mother’s meatloaf last night and I told her it tasted like a salted boot!
Dr. Kadorkian: Are you hard of hearing or just stupid?! I said clear the cache! You’ve got too many background processes running in your temporal lobe! If you don’t purge the temporary files, the whole OS crashes! Clear the cache!
Senator Vance: But I have a live televised debate tomorrow night! If my opponent asks about my stance on tax reform, I am going to inadvertently confess to burying my gold bars in the Cayman Islands! You have to help me fix this before I get indicted!
Dr. Kadorkian: Oh, for the love of DOS. It’s a hardware malfunction. Your logic board is completely fried and you’re outputting raw, unfiltered data strings. We need to do a factory reset. Factory reset. Factory reset! Factory reset!! Factory reset!!!
Senator Vance: (Panicking) A factory reset?! What does that even entail? Are you going to operate on my brain?!
Dr. Kadorkian: Are you hard of hearing or just stupid?! We stick a paperclip in the little hole behind your ear and hold it for ten seconds until your eyes blink red! Factory reset! It’s not rocket science, it’s basic troubleshooting!
Senator Vance: That is malpractice! You aren’t listening to me at all! I just told you I admitted to federal crimes on live television! I need coping mechanisms! I need cognitive behavioral therapy!
Dr. Kadorkian: (Sighs loudly, unplugging his mouse and throwing it in a drawer) Look, I can’t deal with this ping latency right now. You’re dropping packets everywhere.
Senator Vance: Doctor, please!
Dr. Kadorkian: No, absolutely not. The clinic’s emotional router needs to be rebooted, and frankly, my empathy server is completely down. Error 503. Service unavailable.
Senator Vance: You can’t just kick me out!
Dr. Kadorkian: Watch me! Go see Dr. Sterling down the hall. He’s a legacy system apologist; he loves dealing with outdated, corrupt hardware like you. Shoo! The server is down! I have to go reboot the router! Log off!