Clinical Transcript: Patient #812-F
Date: August 13, 2026 Attending: Dr. Malevolena, PhD, LCSW (Licensed Clinical Supernatural Worker) Patient: Gillbert, Fishman Creature (Class III – Amphibious)
Dr. Malevolena: (Uncapping a heavily jeweled fountain pen) Good afternoon, Gillbert. I see you’ve brought your own humidifier today. A proactive choice, though I must note your scales are looking terribly ashen. May I offer you a spritz from the saline bottle?
Gillbert: (Clutching a small, sputtering desktop humidifier to his chest) No! No thank you, Doctor. The ambient moisture is… it’s quite enough. I don’t want to overdo it. You never know when things might get too wet.
Dr. Malevolena: Gillbert, you are a Fish… man. Historically, your people thrive in the abyssal depths of the Mariana Trench and occasionally the murky, algae-rich waters of local municipal lakes. “Too wet” is biologically impossible for you.
Gillbert: (Shivering, his gills flaring nervously) That was the old Gillbert. The pre-Memorial Day Weekend Gillbert.
Dr. Malevolena: Ah, yes. The incident. Let’s talk about that. Your intake forms mentioned an acute trauma response linked to internal combustion engines and… neon-colored board shorts?
Gillbert: (Squeaks, a sound like a wet finger rubbing a balloon) Please, not so loud. But yes. I was just minding my own business, doing a bit of light bottom-feeding near the sandbar. It was a beautiful Tuesday. And then… the swarm arrived.
Dr. Malevolena: The rowdy teenagers.
Gillbert: They were riding those… those fiberglass monsters! “Jet Skis,” I heard them call them. They were doing “donuts,” Doctor! And playing something called dubstep through waterproof Bluetooth speakers. One of them—I believe his mating call was ‘Brad’—clipped my dorsal fin while shotgunning a hard seltzer!
Dr. Malevolena: I see. That sounds highly dysregulating. The human adolescent, particularly when fueled by malt liquor and aquatic horsepower, is a menace to the supernatural ecosystem. Your fear is entirely valid.
Gillbert: Thank you! That’s what I told my wife, Coral. But she just tells me to “get over it” and that I’m tracking dry, flaky skin all over the kelp rug. I haven’t been fully submerged in three months. I take sponge baths with a damp paper towel.
Dr. Malevolena: While I validate your trauma, Gillbert, Coral has a point. You are a Class III amphibious creature. Your mucous membranes are currently operating at a critical deficit. If you don’t get back into the water, you are going to calcify. We need to implement an exposure therapy plan.
Gillbert: Exposure? You mean… go back in? With the Brads? And the Waverunners?!
Dr. Malevolena: No. We aren’t throwing you back into the deep end during a fraternity regatta. We are going to practice systematic desensitization. We are going to reclaim your aquatic heritage, one webbed-footed claw at a time.
Gillbert: (Whimpers slightly, but loosens his grip on the humidifier) One claw?
Dr. Malevolena: Exactly. We will start small. This week, your homework is Step One. I want you to go home, draw a warm bath, and simply sit on the edge of the tub. Do not get in. Just let the steam hit your scales. Let your body remember that water is your life source, not a venue for vehicular assault.
Gillbert: I… I suppose I can sit on the edge. As long as I can keep my towel on.
Dr. Malevolena: Towel on is perfectly fine for Step One. Step Two, which we will discuss next week, involves dipping your left foot into a lukewarm foot spa while listening to a curated playlist of gentle river sounds. Absolutely no heavy bass drops allowed.
Gillbert: That sounds… manageable, actually.
Dr. Malevolena: By month’s end, we will have you wading in a kiddie pool in your backyard. And by autumn—when the water is much too cold for the teenagers and their fiberglass beasts—you will be ready to return to the lake.
Gillbert: The off-season. Of course. They migrate back to their college dormitories in the fall, don’t they?
Dr. Malevolena: Precisely. The waters will be yours again. But we must prepare your body now, or you won’t be able to enjoy the autumn algae bloom.
Gillbert: (Takes a deep, raspy breath) Okay. Okay, Dr. Malevolena. I’ll draw the bath tonight.
Dr. Malevolena: Excellent. I am prescribing you a heavy-duty, marine-grade moisturizer in the meantime. Please apply it twice daily so you don’t leave a trail of dander in my waiting room.
Gillbert: (Nods, standing up with a slight crackle of dry joints) Thank you, Doctor. I feel a little more buoyant already.
Dr. Malevolena: You’re very welcome, Gillbert. The receptionist will give you your prescription on the way out. And please, leave the humidifier here for your next session. You won’t be needing it forever.